Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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