I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
