Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
