Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
