i need an iv and a liver transplant
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
