I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
