Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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