cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize