Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
The Olympian is in my bed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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