I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
