I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
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