remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
