Where is the hickey?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.