plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
