Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
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