im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Randomize
