Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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