I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
