Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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