I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
