I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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