Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
