sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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