At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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