Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
