dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
