Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
