kristin has been a bad kristin
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
