john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
