Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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