I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
So many bounce houses so little time
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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