just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
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