Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My bed smells like the plague
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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