I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Randomize
