the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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