Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
