My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
