Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
