I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Randomize
