After last night, I could never be a politician.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
