i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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