God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
