i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
