why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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