the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
