so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You made out with two different species that night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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