Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
