Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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