enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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