Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
