Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You ruined the universe
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
