u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
