either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
