I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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