mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Randomize
