stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
