I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
