apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
