just come out here and I will go home with you...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
