I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I believe in your delicious
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
