Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i need to put some appletini on your dick
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
